A Brief Reflection From The Messy Middle Of Integration
I find myself fascinated.
Integration is my life. I live and breathe it. I am well versed and have extensive experience in the integration process. It is a big part of my life. And yet, when it is me in it – I was so in it that it became untouchable, unplannable, uncontainable. And with all my knowledge, I still find myself dipping into the mind construct: “I did something wrong,” “It’s not working,” “I fucked up”…
Even though I know – deeply know – that the journey will land, that the dust will settle. That the medicine reveals itself. That the magic unfolds in the in-between spaces, in ways we do not perceive with the mind, in ways that are not what we expect or envision. Still…
Let me briefly share my integration process.
Following the dieta and ceremony, I had booked five days at a serene and secluded lodge in the Costa Rican rainforest mountains. I had imagined myself there in post-dieta integration as peaceful meditation – writing, sitting gracefully in lotus, tuning into my heart, fully and sweetly present in the moment and the process. Instead, I found myself on fire. Challenged, intense, deep in something dark and murky. Pushed further into the depths of my shadows, squirming in discomfort.
The lodge was not at all what I expected. I found myself stuck in a remote place, totally alone except for two locals I did not vibe with, unable to change my ticket – all the things. Which I trust was exactly where I needed to go. Not the slightest bit funny at the time, kind of hilarious now.
My challenging ceremony nights took me to a place of losing faith in the medicine in a way I have not experienced before. Only in the wee hours of the final ceremony did my faith return. Not in fireworks, but quietly.
Landing back home, as the dust settles, the journey is finally revealing itself – this particular one, and the medicine journey at large. I am finding again the clarity and trust I deeply and innately know, but somehow lost sight of: the medicine journey is always in perfection. There is no other way.
And also – it is rarely, if ever, what we expect it to be or want it to be. Just when we think we have her – the medicine, the path – figured out, everything changes.
I find myself in a deep landing, a deep remembering that it truly, absolutely is in perfection. Every moment of the journey. The glimpses I had in ceremony – which felt minor at the time – I now see were the most monumental, small-but-vast insights of my life. I did not quite realize how deep I was going while I was in it. I did not see the magic while it was happening.
As is so often the case. Which I very well know. And still somehow forget.
Trust in the process. Trust in the medicine. Trust in the path. Trust that you – we, all of us – are exactly in the right place. Know, deep in your heart, that you are where you need to be.
My time at Brave Earth was profoundly deep and meaningful. Sometimes (often) the confusion, the hardship, the not understanding is the undeniable path – is the opening, the reveal, from which within our own New Brave Earth unfolds.
With trust in the path and the perfection of the journey
– Tove